So the day that we have been anticipating for the last 6 months comes tomorrow. Johnny and Emily get on a plane in Atlanta tonight and land in London tomorrow morning, and we don't know if they will be able to re-enter the country.
Due to new UK immigration laws, Johnny and Emily were not able to obtain visas with me because my program is less than 12-months in length. They were able to enter the country initially as visitors, but only for 6 months. During that time, we have investigated other options and alternatives to see if there was another way for them to stay. During orientation our first week here, the immigration representative from the University suggested that Johnny and Emily leave after 6-months for a few weeks and then come back and basically hope for grace from the border control agent at the airport. Some other possibilities arose, but nothing really panned out. So here we are back to the original "plan."
I returned to the UK earlier this week and am now awaiting their return. And I have been stressed out all day! I keep going over the possibilities in my head and telling myself that either way, we will be fine. Best case scenario: They get back in, and we finish out the next 3 months here in Oxford! Worst case scenario: Return to the States earlier than expected.
This is not a life or death situation, and I trust that the Lord will take care of us either way. So why am I so stressed? Because it's UNKNOWN.
Basically, I am learning from this that I hate not knowing what is going to happen. Really, I already knew this, but I am learning it in greater detail. I like predictable outcomes. I like knowing what to expect and preparing for it. I like anticipating what will happen next and doing a "cost-benefit analysis" (Econ major, baby)!
When I don't know, I can't plan. I can't evaluate. And it drives me crazy! Frank Decker at The Mission Society says that your weaknesses don't disappear when you get on a plane and go to another culture. Instead they get magnified. Amen to that! This is one of mine.
The last year or so of my life has been characterized by not knowing what is coming next. We're following Christ one step at a time, and it's scary. It's made me realize that I don't trust God as much as I want to believe I do. I really struggle to believe that He is working things out according to His plan and His timing. Okay, maybe I do believe this, but I get frustrated that it is not according to MY plan and MY timing. I'm good at planning! So why can't I have this one?!
Faith is hard. Believing is hard. Letting go is REALLY hard (at least for me)! But I want to believe it is for the best. I want to believe it is for my good and, more importantly, for His glory.
And so I wait and try to take my hands off of this deal. I never was in control to begin with. But I do enjoy the illusion of being in control. Imagine the freedom I could have if I could just let go and trust! Oh, may it be so, Lord!
