What I've learned so far...

I wanted to write a post about what I have learned academically this term. However, the thoughts that immediately came to mind were all lessons in my personal life. That is not to say that I have not learned things in school this term, because I definitely have. But as my years of working in University Student Life taught me, formation comes from lessons learned outside the classroom as much as from what we are learning from our professors, fellow students, and readings. So I should not be very surprised.

Academically, I learned more of the Hebrew language, the role of scripture in Jewish liturgy and worship, and some of the elements of Israel's history as they became a nation and the people of Yahweh. It's been good, challenging, sometimes infuriating, but such is the learning process.

But when I look back on this season, I feel the lessons that I have learned outside of the classroom more poignantly.  I learned a lot about the difficulties of acclimating to a new culture especially when I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after arriving here. Pregnancy in some ways makes me feel like a stranger in my own body. This feeling was exacerbated by feeling like a stranger in my surroundings as well. Having that feeling of estrangement internally and externally was one of the predominant experiences of this first term for me. Culture-shock is one thing on its own, just like pregnancy has its own unique challenges. But you put the two together, and you are in for a real treat!

Despite the difficulties of acclimating to all the changes going on around me, pregnancy also grounded me. It reminded me how important my family is to me. No matter how many degrees or whatever else I try to achieve, Johnny and Emily are truly most important to me. And even as I was struggling through the nauseous feelings of pregnancy, I was bonding with this little one inside me. We were experiencing things together for the first time.  It's hard to really explain, but I felt comforted by having this little one with me to give me a good perspective on life, even as I was struggling to make sense of all the differences I was experiencing.

Unfortunately, this season has also taught me about dealing with loss like I haven't experienced before. We found out at 12 weeks that the baby was no longer with us, and I have entered a period of grief like no other time in my life. But this experience is teaching me as well. It's teaching me how much we are really capable of loving our children, even when we didn't know them for very long. They are part of us no matter what, and there is great mystery and care that comes with that reality.

It's also teaching me my deep need in ways that I have not known before. When I was looking for a spouse, I wanted a relationship with mutual encouragement and support. I wanted someone to love and to love me. I wanted us to be each other's biggest supporters as we attempt to follow Christ's leading together and uniquely. At the same time, I have a great sense of self-sufficiency. I can self-manage and take care of myself, and I wanted that same quality in a spouse as well.  I have found all of these things in Johnny and love him for it.

But this season has taught me something new about us and about our marriage.  My sweet husband has been taking care of me for weeks now. When I was pregnant and too nauseous and tired to do much else beyond going to class, studying, and interacting with he and Emily, he cleaned, washed, cooked, took care of Emily all without one complaint. And now as grief has become a constant feature in my life, and I question myself and my abilities, he is still taking care of me in ways I didn't know were possible or that I would ever need. And I am grateful.

I know this is only a season and that things will get back to "normal" eventually, but I feel that I have a level of knowledge now that I didn't have before, about myself, about my husband and our marriage, about our ability to navigate through hard things and carry one another when necessary. I realize my own need for another person in a way that I haven't in recent years. Being this vulnerable is a scary and yet freeing thing.

As we have gone through the Christmas season during this difficult time, I have been even more aware of the vulnerability of Christ coming and living among us. His willingness to take on flesh, to experience this human life, and even to subject himself to being killed by those whom he created is a level of vulnerability that I truly can't comprehend.  To be open and to love like Christ means we will experience pain, but also unimaginable joy. The pain part is something I have feared and therefore avoided for a long time. But I am realizing that by avoiding the pain of vulnerability, I am also not able to truly experience the joy either. The joy of really living.

My prayer for this new year is that I wouldn't be so afraid of really experiencing life. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full." Maybe he didn't mean just the good, but the difficult times too that give depth to our humanness and our relationship with him.